Enabling versus Helping (Guest Post)
What’s the difference? It feels good to help people, right? When does helping turn into enabling the person who is chemically dependent. The following is a list of common enabling behaviors: Denying "He is not an alcoholic” “She doesn’t have drug problem” “He doesn’t drink / use drugs” Drinking or using with the person who is chemically dependent person Avoiding the problem Failing to identify express feelings (stuffing) Keeping the peace at any price in the belief that good marriages/families lack conflict Tranquilizing feelings with medications, food, work, etc Minimizing “He doesn’t use that much.” “She doesn’t drink that often.” “It’s not that bad” Blaming, lecturing, arguing, etc. – as adults, if you are doing this behavior you are taking on responsibility that isn’t yours Protecting The chemically dependent from the consequences of their actions The image of the chemically dependent person The image of the family, of parents, of the employment setting, inc The chemically dependent person from pain Yourself from the pain Feeling superior Being responsible for the chemically dependent person Taking on their responsibilities by doing things for them what they otherwise could or should be doing for themselves Controlling “Let’s skip the party this year” – avoiding the social situation in fear that something might happen “Let’s not have Thanksgiving at our house this time.” Waiting “It’s just a phase she/he is going through; it will pass. If you’ve caught yourself doing or saying any of the above on a regular occasion, chances are the relationship has surpassed “helping.” The danger of enabling is that if the chemically dependent person doesn’t face some consequences for their actions, they most likely won’t have much if any motivation for change. Remember we only usually change when we are uncomfortable.
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